Arseploring beyond and beneath: a bootilicious research on human behavior.

Experts of all disciplines seem at a loss to understand the recent activities of married housewives at yoga classes, usually by individuals who were targets themselves oggling at other members in the class whom they did not know personally nor have any grievance against. The events at South Bangalore are presently of pressing concern to localites, psychologists, and psychiatrists who have been mystified by the apparent surge of blatant oggling attacks by young females who, often, are characterized by those who knew them as unlikely to commit such terrible acts.

At this time, this violent behavior is not sufficiently documented to ascertain whether there is a serious and sad global phenomenon at work. There are indications that similar acts are appearing in other cities besides Bangalore, including Mumbai and Chennai. Still, even if the intensity of these acts of extreme perversion differs with varied conditions, we have yet to clearly understand the individuals who are most driven to do harm to others.


The newspaper descriptions of a 27-year-old housewife from Indiranagar, just after she oggled at 8 people (men and women included), pinched 4 others, and then oggled at herself before breaking into a jig on the terrace of a two-storey building, included the following: “successful employee,” “revered,” “not an outcast,” “won the employee of the month award,” “personable,” “easy to talk to,” “and an exceptionally sweet and soft spoken lady – something must have happened to her.”

Early reports suggested strongly that the oggler/ assaulter was a timid person whose behavior on this occasion was totally out of character and entirely unpredictable. We then learned that she had been rejected from multiple yoga and fitness centers in the previous six months, some in the same area. We know now that she had been in the care of a psychiatrist, had been prescribed psychotropic drugs, may have stopped taking the medications, and removed herself from treatment. We learned that she had been noted as a person who isolated herself and whose vegetable vendor was able to recall incidents in which her behavior was of great concern.

When interviewed after the incident, Muthamma, the vegetable vendor recalls shakingly, "Well, she normally asks for one kilo potatoes and one kilo onions every alternate day. But when I told her that the prices of onions increased, she went started shouting at me and told me that from now on she would never buy onions from me. My husband is a drunkard and I have three kids. What would I do without the money?"


When asked later during one of her therapy sessions, the woman responded saying she had once read a small article on the internet, following which she had changed into this monster. We have managed to track the article: This is an exclusive report, and we can promise you that you won't find it in any other story. We have the best journalists reporting from different parts of the world. This was the dreaded article she read:


Question: How should you react if someone touched your butt?

Answer: It would all depend on the situation. If it was obviously accidental, it is probably best to just let it go.

If it is a situation that is inappropriate, makes you uncomfortable, or the same person keeps 'accidentally' doing it, then you would most likely want to tell the person they are making you uncomfortable and firmly tell them they need to stop. How polite you are about it would vary depending on the situation.


If you are old enough to be thinking about relationships, you enjoyed it, and it was all in good fun, then you may want to ask them if they found something they liked.


When the article was released in the newspaper,spokesperson from Sri Ram Krishna Shiva Samaj, commented that it was not in our culture to be oggling or assaulting at yoga classes. In his words, he believed that Yoga was a method to attain liberation and good health. It was shocking that there exists women or men out there who stoop to such low levels. It's highly immoral. (He continued talking for a really long time, but our staff reporter who was covering this story had to run for cover, since he couldn't keep his hands off her bottom)

Sarah (name changed) is now spending time in the US and is the personal yoga trainer and guru for top hollywood celebrities.

When we tried reaching her, these were her words to us over the telephone: "Stare at a fat (wo)man's ass for long and you would realise it's not bad after all"

Predictions for 2009

*Drum Roll*

Ladies & Worms,

With the New Year mood out (it’s been more than 12 days now) of the way and everyone getting back to the grind of lots of work and recession. It’s time once again for HORRORSCOPE. The reason for writing Horror Scope now you may ask, well I have a lot of time on hand, no money and absolutely no work. So if you give me another two minutes, I could come up with more reasons as to why am writing this post.

So let me get straight to the point here. Take a piece of paper, tissue, bills, tablecloth, anything. Just make a note coz this is the prediction for the year. Thank me later.

*Takes a deep breath*

Pisces:
2009 = 2+0+0+9 which totals to 11 that in turn becomes 1+1 and finally adds up to 2. Ok. It’s got nothing to do with the prediction. Am just brushing up my mathematics skills. This year is perfect for that loooong holiday that you have been planning for years now. That’s coz as soon as you finish reading this prediction your boss is going to call you and fire you from the job. So, I say just pack your bag and enjoy the holiday and come back when the economy of the country becomes better or when companies start hiring again. 6 is your lucky number (that’s the amount that would be left on your bank account two months from now) and black is your lucky color. (Don’t ask me everything).

Aries:
I see water, lots of it. Wait a minute, no sorry, that’s just coz someone turned the tap on and forgot to close it. (Concentrates harder) You guys know exactly what’s going on in your life. You don’t need any funny/ scary/ serious prediction or horoscope. You were broke earlier, you are broke now and you will be broke for a really long time. So try eating at home, drinking at home and staying at home.

Taurus:
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You will not be invited to any weddings this year, including yours. Your friends (well, sorry wrong prediction) you don’t have any friends and that’s how it will be even this year. (I just can’t stand a whole bunch of taurians) So, EAT THIS!!! You neither have a lucky number nor a lucky color.

Gemini:
I know who you did last Halloween. The funny thing is he knows it too. You will have a lot of bisexual tendencies this year. A whole bulk of your savings this year will be spent on online chat rooms and weird toys. Let the net-nanny save you.

Cancer:
You will wake up on the wrong side of the bed everyday for the next 66 days. On the 67th day you will not wake up. You have a dreaded disease that no one knows and no one can cure. Rest in peace.

Leo:
Keep saying sorry as many times as possible. People will pull you up for everything, whether you have done it or not. Chances are most probably you wouldn’t have done it. That’s coz you just can’t to save your life. You are daft, obnoxious and a complete pain in the butt. How dare you read this horoscope? Go and do your work shithead.

Aquarius:
You would be called to audition for a toothpaste brand. Not because you are a good looking model, but you are the reason why they have created something called toothpaste. Use it. Please and don’t stink up the room.

Scorpio:
You’re the type who wouldn’t have moved straight down to Scorpio but stopped and read every other sign till you reached here. You have an identity crisis and you’re also a cross dresser. Take my word and quickly replace your sister’s dress back in her shelf before you get caught. And don’t be shocked when you find your clothes in her shelf.

Virgo:
Your cell phone will explode during a conference call. So avoid conference calls through the year. Today’s going to be the day when they’re going to throw it back to you. By now you should’ve somehow realized what you got to do. Don’t go too close to a cow; it will fart on your face.

Capricorn:
The threat mail that you wanted to send your boss, well what do you know, has finally been sent. Get a faster internet connection before you plan to send that PowerPoint presentation with nude pictures of your boss with his dog. Please mask your face from the remaining pictures.

Libra:
You will have a major reconstructive knee surgery on your stomach. This is what happens when you have George.W.Bush as your role model. Avoid wearing shoes. That crush of yours that you have been thinking about all these months, well she is pregnant and carrying your best friend’s baby. Watch your back and don’t bend in the presence of other men.

Sagittarius:
You have giant man boobs that sag. Your mouth stinks like a drain. Your nails are long and dirty. Your skin has puss oozing all over. But you’re a kind hearted soul. You’re the type who likes to help old ladies cross the road but they think you’re out there to rob them off their money and they beat you with their walking stick.

What's in a name?

I say it's all in the name. I love my name and I can’t be happier that my parents have good taste. Now that I have made my thank you speech, I would like to dedicate this post to everyone in this planet (and beyond) who’ve had the misfortune of having lived and who are living with the most difficult names. This one’s for all you people. I remember reading somewhere that you are what your name is. A name is so important in defining a person. And in most cases it is the one thing that you live with all your life. In this post I shall talk about the people who I know in person, people who I have seen walking around in the schools and colleges where I have studied and a select few I have had to work with and a couple of people who I know off. I love you all I have the utmost respect for each one of you. Jijo. J. Jajan – This poor friend of mine had a name that was so bouncy and slippery and he was just like that. Short, stout and with greasy hair smelling of fish all the time. Imagine him in some exotic country where the alphabet ‘J’ is silent or pronounced as ‘H’- Hiho. H. Hahan. My god, Santa would probably like to adopt him as his personal assistant. Jetty Jean Joy Kutty - Another mallu (what is it with some mallu’s and their names) person who studied in college with me. She was very silent always. Initially I didn’t know why she was like that, but when I got introduced to her, I knew why. People always had this thing of shortening a person’s name and calling them while in school or college (even now?). Imagine how it would be to call her. Any which way you try and truncate the name; it either sounds corny, cheeky or just plain stupid. Poor girl. Latha. K. Lund – I feel so bad for you girl. In fact I feel bad for your dad, Mr.Lund. But on second thoughts, I don’t feel bad for your dad. If he had to live all his life with a name like that, he should have had some sense to not add his name as your surname. And for a girl to have that as her surname is just plain SAD. In school the teachers always had this annoying ritual of calling people out with their full name and initials while the roll call to check the attendance. No wonder you always had a proxy person say ‘Present ma’m’ in the morning. Get married or move out to a country where people don’t understand Hindi. Infant - I met this man a few years back and he was 39. And he introduced himself as Infant and I was like, Get out of here. You’re kidding me. Felt the whole time I was with him and people calling him by his name and all I could picture was this man of 39 sitting on his office desk with a feeding bottle and a bib. I couldn’t sleep for a good one week thanks to all the nightmares. I met a friend from kerala. He told me the secret behind some of the most bizarre and weird names from malluland. A couple get married, say John gets married to Jincy (Yes, Jincy is a name and I didn’t make that up) and they have a kid. What do you know, it’s a boy. Now comes the part of naming the boy. They take the first two alphabets from the dad’s name and add the first two letters from the mom’s name and voila they have a new name: Joji. It doesn’t stop there. They need to add the name of their village, the name of their street and the name of their house. So in the end the boy’s name is: Joji Kutty Thillaberambil Vincent. And by the time he learns to spell his name he is a 40 yr old Infant. A good friend’s grand dad when he was working in the US of A had a girlfriend who he just couldn’t forget. So what does the old man do, name his grand daughter that. And no wonder she is grand pa’s favorite. This helped her with a lot of pocket money and our best friend. Some more names of people who I don’t know really well, but know off: Steffi Graf, Michael Jackson, Mother Mary (I know you are devoted and all that, but how can a new born be called Mother Mary), Rajnikanth and finally Madhuri Dixit (her dad’s surname is Pundit).

Now that I have spoken about all this. How could I not mention the various Baby Mami's and Puppy Mami's in a family. I remember this very old paati in my family who was still called Baby when she was 92. It is not an affectionate name, but their actual name that is Baby and Puppy. To top this there are the chaachi's and the chachu's. Lallu's and the paapa's.  And after all the love, I just want to add this special note of hate to the person who typed my name on my voter identity card. I don’t know how in the world they ended up typing that, maybe they sneezed while typing and just didn’t bother correcting it, or maybe they didn’t sleep the previous night and dozed off on the keyboard, or maybe they couldn’t type. But whatever be the case they typed something that has made me think twice about taking the card and going to a voting booth and admitting I am in fact that person. Yes, the name on the card reads: dfhkuyhdi!!! (That little son of a…)

Do beedi ka samay

I have tried to understand the concept of time for a really long time now. After all these years, I have realised and come to a conclusion that such a concept doesn't exist and it's just a term. My interaction with people from different nationalities, origin, race, and color has given me a better understanding about this term and also helped me a great deal in my research on the theory of 'Do beedi ka samay'.

This theory is a revelation in understanding the behavioral pattern of the human species. Why 'Do beedi ka samay' you may ask?

While working closely with the tribes of Tippasandra, Bandra, Byappanhalli, Kuniyamuthoor, Sundakamuthoor, Kalasipalayam, Murgespalya, Lal Chowk, Subhramanyapuram, Kovilpatti, Kuppakonamuthoor and a lot of other palyas and puthoors, the one common factor that I have seen is Beedi. Everything starts and ends with beedi. 'Hey, come. Sit and have a beedi'. ' Am sorry to hear about your mother. Here this is a special beedi'. Beedi before you go to sleep and beedi immediately after you wake up. A beedi with your chai and a beedi while you work. A beedi in the hand and a beedi tucked behind your ear for future consumption. So, talk about time with these beedi idolizing crowd, time is also measured in beedies. When I explained one of my concepts with them, a wise old man after taking a deep drag on his beedi said, 'Do beedi ka samay'. The gathering said in unison, 'Do beedi ka samay', and there was a loud roar. I was offered a beedi as a token of appreciation.

The wise old man's words kept haunting me for a long time. 'Do beedi ka samay', he would say, while smoking one. His voice would echo in my head. He would also have an evil villanous laugh. The laugh kept getting louder and louder as the days went by. One night while sleeping, I heard the again. The laugh was loud and haunting. I woke up startled, breathing heavily and drenched in sweat. I couldn't take it anymore. I got up from my bed. The tribal mosquitoes didn't like it either. They wanted my blood and I wanted answers.

I walked aimlessly as far as my legs could take me. I couldn't continue like this. Aimless, lost, confused and haunted by the wise man's words, I was losing it. My legs gave way and I fell to the ground. I don't know for how long I was unconscious. A hand was trying to push me. It was shaking my fragile body. 'Sirji, Sirji', I could hear a mumble. I groaned. With great difficulty I opened my eyes. The sun's rays were piercing through my eyelids. I shielded my eyes. After what seemed like ages, I finally managed to get up and sit. My head still aching, my legs bruised and bloody and the voice of the old man still loaded in my brain. I wanted it to stop. I wanted to leave. I wanted...

'Sir ji, Doctor saab ko humne bulaya hai. Woh do beedi ka samay mein aajayenge'. I got up. My eyes popped on the floor, when I heard the man say that. I took my watch and saw the time. It said 6:20 am. I began to wait. Did he mean the time from when he said it? Did he mean from the time he saw me unconscious. God. It was too much to handle.

I was looking at the watch. I was looking at the man. He smiled a reassuring smile and lit a beedi. Ah, first beedi, I thought. He took a deep drag, spoke to me and the others who had gathered around me and then let the smoke out. He stubbed the beedi after that with his fingers. Oh, No. That's one beedi down? I wondered. But instead of throwing the beedi down, he placed it behind his ears. He began to write something on the sand, squatting while he did that. You always smoke a beedi squatting, that I learnt from the tribals, which a french friend of mine still practices till date. After talking to the group for an additional twenty minutes, he took the beedi from behind his ear and lit it again. This he continued leaving regular intervals. Till finally the beedi was over. Ah! Am I getting to understand something here? Maybe, just maybe I was getting closer to the elusive secret behind 'Do beedi ka samay'. I looked at my watch. It was 7:20. One hour for one beedi. That's it. I had cracked it. I had finally cracked the secret behind the wise old man's words.

I was hysterical. I was elated. I was going insane. I got up from the ground and started jumping, screaming, going red on my face. Tears swelling up in my eyes. I held my hands over my eyes, buried my face in my palm. I cried. Like a baby, like a mother who had just given birth, like a father during his daughter's wedding. I cried for another beedi ka samay.

As I looked at the puzzled, quizzical faces around me, I began to smile. I looked at the wise old man who had come while I was crying. He was glad to see me smile. I looked at him and said, 'Babaji ek beedi milega?'.